JAVS Spring 2023

disorder, and withdrew from school. I could not perform, so I taught instead, but my health still remained bad, and in 2012 I discontinued all playing. I eventually regained mental functioning with proper medications, then switched careers to work in mental health beginning in 2014. Switching professions helped me make sense of my adverse past and current diagnosis, and I’ve now learned to integrate coping strategies and wellness tools to live a stable life with gainful non-musical employment. During the COVID pandemic in 2020, I reconnected with my childhood viola teacher, Ann Roggen. As we chatted on Facebook, distant memories of my violist past returned, and a part of me wondered, Can I play again? Is it possible? The violist within me still wanted to speak. I trusted her enough to disclose my past griefs, and internal senses of failure I felt as a musician. Ann worked with me not only musically, but conversationally, helping me to process this pain and trauma. I gradually lost fear of the instrument and became able to practice for longer and longer periods of time. Over the course of months, I became no longer afraid of the instrument, and the viola became my friend instead, perhaps for the first time. It helped so much, to talk to a fellow violist about my various viola-specific griefs, which a regular therapist could never understand! The stress of playing in a symphonic orchestra: it’s quite stressful to sit directly in front of a large brass section, and of course the violin’s high E string, the reason for my switching to the viola in the first place. Sensory overload with overwhelming sounds can cause me to feel angry, exhausted, panicked, and fearful. I’ve also navigated through life with a tremendous fear of electronically-produced music, including a lot of music that broadcasts on the radio. Overexposure to loud sounds in orchestra rehearsals can also wear me down. It elicits this feeling of emotional exhaustion, anger, confusion, panic, even physical irritation where my body feels restless, in need to escape. At worst, sensory overload causes my skin to crawl, as if I am sitting in the sun and I am developing a sunburn. As an autistic mental health professional with the disability of schizoaffective disorder, I’ve worked really hard for many years to secure my own mental health

wellness first, before attempting employment. In my journey towards mental wellness, completely separate from music making, I’ve learned that peer support is one of the most effective ways of encouraging good mental health: commiserating with fellow “Mad” folks, talking about experiences, relating to one another, sharing tips and strategies to keep going forward in life. Peer support is what enabled me to move from profound disability to now a high functioning existence, where I can return to gainful employment. Based on my expertise in mental health, I believe that the concepts of peer support can be transferred to the violist-sphere, by us violists speaking to one another about viola-specific stresses and experiences. In the case of my sensory overload experience with practicing, speaking to Ann was most helpful. Her groundedness and mutual understanding of my sound-based experience, allowed me to feel less alone in my pain. I’ve also read a lot on my own, about how trauma can be stored in the body even decades after the trauma first occurred. When I first started practicing again, after my 12 year hiatus, the tears still attacked me and I had scary thoughts. But by talking to Ann, my fear lessened. With her support, I’ve now learned to avoid what is uncomfortable, I have greater understanding on the sounds I do like, and I’ve developed tolerance for discomfort. Practicing my viola has now become a vital part of my developing this inner knowledge. As I play viola, I make sounds that I enjoy, and this puts me in the driver’s seat. I can produce a tone that is comfortable to my ear, instead of shirking at whatever comes out. In the process of studying with Ann over the past two years, I’ve surpassed the performing level I previously reached at conservatory 15 years ago. Yet lessons have taught me so much more than simply “viola technique.” Through our music-informed conversations, I’ve gained greater insight into my past traumas, and I have begun putting the pieces together about why I was in so much emotional pain in the first place. I began opening up about my childhood experiences of being a young music student, who grew up in a home where musical studies weren’t fully supported. Where the screams of my father traumatized me, it caused internal shame on so many levels. With Ann’s support that was free of judgment, I found my voice, and discovered

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Journal of the American Viola Society / Vol. 39, No. 1, Spring 2023